Last week was by far the hardest week of my entire life. As many of you know our journey to parenthood hasn’t been an easy one. We knew that there were risks of domestic adoption and that the mother always has the option to keep the baby after birth but we never imagined that it would happen the way it did.
It was a Friday morning and I got a call from our lawyer that the baby had come that morning. The baby wasn’t due for another two months so you can imagine our surprise. We had our lawyer verify she wanted to go through with the adoption and then headed home to pack up for the drive. With the baby in the NICU we had to prepare to be there for several weeks. The mother signed over access for us to receive pictures and view his live webcam and he was the most beautiful little boy I’ve ever seen. We all fell in love instantly and spent most of the night watching him sleep. We were all smitten including both of our families! Our son was finally here, the moment we’ve all been dreaming and praying about.
We left early the next morning to head to our little boy, who was 9 hours away. We were on cloud 9 the whole drive and so anxious to see this little child we’d been praying for, for so long. We were about half an hour away from the hospital when our lawyer called and said that the birth mother had changed her mind and wanted to keep the baby. I cannot even tell you how that moment felt. It felt like someone punched me in the gut, I could hardly breath or think, I couldn’t even cry at the time. Believe me, I cried enough to make up for it later. How had we come this close and have it all snatched away from us? I knew this was a risk but never thought it’d be after we were told the adoption was happening and we had driven 9 hours. All of our family and friends were devastated with us and mourning this baby boy that we thought was ours.
What many of you didn’t know is that we were pregnant, to God be the glory! We found out a little over a month ago and were so thrilled to be expecting via adoption and biologically. I just knew this was God’s plan for us all along. The hard journey to becoming parents was starting to make sense. We were going to be double blessed with “almost twins”. We could have never predicted it but wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
After the heartbreak of the adoption, we went Wednesday for another ultrasound and baby #2 no longer had a heartbeat. I couldn’t believe this was happening. How could we lose two babies in 4 days? Even our doctor said this was a first time they’d ever had an adoption and biological loss at the same time. I couldn’t help but wonder “why us”?
The truth is, I know God has great things in store for us and one day we will become parents and maybe this will all make sense, but this was a really hard week for us and our entire family. I couldn’t help but ask God why he took our two babies from us. Hadn’t our journey to get to this place been hard enough? How will he turn these ashes into something beautiful?
I don’t know how we could get through these losses without our faith in the Lord. We know this is just another part of our story. But if I’m being honest, sometimes I feel like he has given us too much credit on how much we can handle. I had a D&C on Friday, upon my doctor’s recommendation, which was honestly what I needed. With baby #1 in the NICU, we don’t feel like that door is completely shut and I needed some closure.
I also cannot say enough thank you’s to our family and friends and coworkers who have made this tough week a little easier. We have been covered in prayer and love and support which has meant the world to us.
We’re approaching a new week which is a fresh start but I’m also finding it difficult to know how to move forward without our babies. I was on facebook this weekend and saw pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, baby shower celebrations and honestly I couldn’t help but cry. We postponed our baby shower that was supposed to be today. I didn’t get the opportunity to do a pregnancy announcement or gender reveal. I know our day will come but it’s still hard to process the losses we suffered last week and not knowing what our new future looks like. What I can say is that I still firmly believe the Lord is going to bless us through adoption and biologically and I know whatever he has planned for us will bring so much joy that it will overshadow all of the pain.
John 13:7 Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”