What Happened When I Finally Put God in the Driver Seat

What Happened When I Finally Put God in the Driver Seat

I want to start as Ask Courtney series where I answer questions asked on social media or my blog. One of the questions I got on Instagram was to share more about our adoption story so I figured now was the perfect time to share more about our journey.

I’ve always loved children.. I grew up working the nursery at church, babysitting and just had a lot of friends with kids that I enjoyed being around. It was common knowledge and I heard multiple people jokingly predict we’d get pregnant within year 1 of marriage because I loved kids that much.

This time last year I was in a really bad place, a place of bitterness and resentment. I kept wondering why everyone around me seems (to me) to be able to look at their husband and get pregnant and here we are still waiting. I saw a really ugly side of myself that pushed me further into a state of unhappiness and desperation. I felt isolated and alone because my closest friends and family couldn’t understand the deep pain I was feeling, even my husband didn’t fully understand.

I was praying and crying and praying some more but it’s like there was something in the way and God wasn’t hearing me so I just kept moving forward with the next steps I knew to try. I couldn’t just wait and not try the options that were available to us. I remember being at the hospital waiting on my niece to arrive and make me an Aunt for the first time. I was so excited to meet her but yet was hurting from the pain and desire of wanting this for myself. We were in the hall as we were waiting and I got a followup call from a doctor’s appointment and was told to just keep trying and wait three months and then we will revisit. Believe me when I say, when you’re desperate to start a family, 3 months seems like an eternity to wait with no plans to improve your chances. I struggled to accept any answer that didn’t include a “next step” so I took things into my own hands and called from the hospital and requested to be put on medication to increase our chances.

This whole time I was just going through the motions.. going to the doctor to get checked out, my husband getting checked, medication, fertility specialist, fertility treatments… doing all the things I keep reading or hearing are the next steps in the journey. I fully believed God was bigger than infertility and was believing that these treatments would work…but I never had the confidence or peace over the process we were in. I remember telling my small group I was struggling to know if this was God’s plan or if it was my plan but I just kept moving forward.

After our 4th failed fertility treatment my husband and I were both emotionally and financially exhausted. It was the second day of 21 days of a prayer and I remember thinking we need to take a break. Of course, as many of you ladies probably understand, I didn’t want to bring it up to my husband until I had a chance to really think it over because once I said it outloud I knew it was a done deal. Not 5 minutes later, my husband said the same thing, we both knew it was time to take a break.

We spend those 21 days praying and seeking God’s guidance for our future. We were accepting of whatever that may be: to stop trying altogether for now, more IUIs, other fertility options, IVF or adoption and honestly none of them felt right at the time.

This is where my story about what God showed us in those 21 amazing days picks up – you can read it HERE. But I wanted to share more about reflecting back and what’s happened since then!

Here is the thing: I can see now that I had put a barrier between me and God with my bitterness and desire for a family and was doing it all MY WAY. Is there anything wrong with trying all of those things…I don’t think so. Could I possibly have saved myself a lot of heartache by giving it all to him sooner…probably so. The Lord put the desire to be a mother in my heart, he was not surprised by any of my decisions. He knew I would have to walk my own path before realizing my path wasn’t the same path he had for us.

I often think about all the what ifs. Where we would be if I hadn’t be so set on making my own path to parenthood? Do I regret walking down my path? Everyone is different but for me the answer is No. I firmly believe I had to go through all of that to get to the place where I finally gave complete control to the Lord and broke the barrier that I had put up and was finally able to hear his voice. This was years of praying and seeking his guidance but something had changed this time and I think it was that I finally was able to accept whatever was put in front of us, even if that meant us not trying to get pregnant anymore. As desperate as I was for a child, I was desperate for the Lord’s plan for us more.  

He was clear and direct with his calling for us. We quickly started pursuing the adoption route and he repeatedly answered prayers and sent us signs of what path of adoption to take. We told the Lord we would walk through any doors he opened and we have and it’s been an amazing journey. A single call to gather information turned into a call with a birth mother that chose us to adopt her child. It was fast and crazy and unexplainable but IT WAS GOD moving in a way that we couldn’t have even dreamed up. He knew all along that we’d walk down my own path but find our way down his path for us where we are today, waiting on this precious child to enter the world. He has orchestrated all of the details including providing all the funds necessary in a matter of about 2 months. Seriously… God is so good!! I cannot wait to tell this precious child how much he or she is loved and cherished and is the biggest testimony of God’s promises that we’ve ever witnessed first hand.

Jeremiah 29:11   For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

John 15:7-8    If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples.

Ephesians 3:20   Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,

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